Learning to say no is a life skill. Probably one of the most important life skills, and one I still have to practice sometimes. But I’ve come such a long way. I used to say yes to everything. Every activity, every invitation, every favor. I honestly was afraid that if I said no, I wouldn’t have any friends.
I remember this feeling as far back as high school. We were at a friend’s house on a weekend, making plans for the evening. One girl was having a hard time deciding whether or not she wanted to go. Her mom said to her, “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” I remember being shocked at this advice.
Even as an adult, I used to have angry feelings toward my family and friends when they would ask me to do things I felt were infringing on my time. Until I realized that I was the only one to blame for not saying no when I didn’t have time, space, or a desire to do what they were asking.
Oh, how times have changed. I am now a protector. I am a protector of my time and my space.
I first came across the idea of giving a loving no from Jenny McCarthy’s book, Love, Lust and Faking It. This is a great book, but comes with a warning: It is an adult book that has things in it that probably only people in Las Vegas and Hollywood find normal.
The basic idea of a loving no is we don’t have to be mean or rude to say no. We can give a loving no.
Some of my favorite loving no lines are:
That’s not going to work for me right now.
I’m sorry, that makes me uncomfortable.
Let me check my calendar. (I love this one)
Some other fabulous lines I’ve picked up along the way are:
Let me get back to you on that.
I wish I could help. But I’m running flat-out with my various commitments. I hope you’ll understand. From Atul Gawande in Smarter Faster Better by Charles Duhigg
You’ll notice that not all of the above are actually saying no. But they give the option for space, thought and a slow yes instead of a knee-jerk yes, which used to be my default.
Now for a few eamples of giving a loving no:
I was recently asked to volunteer on an event committee at my church and we had asked a massage therapist in our group to teach us some techniques. The woman I reported to asked me to explain to the presenter that we felt she wore to sexy of clothing and to tell her to wear a more modest shirt when she presented. I didn’t agree and didn’t think I had the right to tell another adult how to dress, so I politely told my committee chair that I was not comfortable relaying that message.
My best friend invited me and my hubby to dinner with her and her hubby on a Friday night. We decided not to go. It was a longer drive than we wanted to make, and more money than we wanted to spend at the time. The next time we saw that friend, she told me that she had asked her husband, “Do you think they will come?” and he had said, “No, because we’re not going out for Mexican.” This is funny for two reasons. If we’re going out to eat, I want Mexican pretty much all the time. And I live in Seattle, and the Mexican food here isn’t great. But more importantly, I had learned to say no, even to my best friend.
The thing is, sometimes it’s hard to say no, especially to people in our lives who are used to us saying yes to them. It could cause fights, it has for me. But with practice you can learn to say no. It is always worth it to find your voice and learn to say no. If I can do it, you can do it.
More help for learning to say no:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTy-Fy3M00k
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