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Do one thing everyday that scares you. Eleanor Roosevelt

Why? Why should we do one thing every day that scares us?

Jia Jiang has a ted talk where he discusses his fear of rejection. He forced himself to complete 100 rejection challenges to get more comfortable with rejection. He also posted a video showing the coolest rejection challenge where he asks a Krispy Kreme donut shop to make his donuts to look like the olympic rings.

I have a fear of rejection. Not the romantic kind of rejection, although I’m probably lucky I’m a woman, because if I was a dude, I doubt I would have had the courage to ask someone out. But I have an overall fear of rejection. For example, I don’t throw parties, because what if no one comes? I don’t stop to talk to people because what if they are too busy to talk to me? Well, I tell myself, I’ll just be too busy first.

I recently conquered a small rejection challenge: My neighbor was replacing his fence and I am on the hunt for reclaimed wood. I saw my neighbor outside working on his fence and decided to go ask what his plans are for his wood. Our backyards abut, but I had to walk around a few houses to get to where he was working. During my short walk, my mind started tweaking. I even did a 180 on the sidewalk as I tried to talk myself out of asking such a silly question. My mind started rationalizing: “We don’t really need that wood, we can get pallets from work. (Yes, my mind refers to me as “we”.) How are we even going to transport the wood if he says yes, we don’t have a trailer, we’ll be causing such a hassle, we’ll have to ask other people for help, including Damon (My hubby).” It was pretty funny to observe how my mind reacted to my decision to ask a neighbor for discarded wood. My mind freaked out so hard that I decided I’d better ask, just for the challenge. I approached my hard-working neighbor and asked him what his plans were for the wood he had set aside. He said I couldn’t have it, that he was planning on reusing it. And then we chatted for a minute. I didn’t get the reclaimed wood, but I did complete a rejection challenge, and I’m super proud of it.

This may seem like a silly example to bolder people. But most of us face uncomfortable situations, and we can empower ourselves to face challenges and grow our circle of comfort.

So, here is my challenge: Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Learning to say no is a life skill. Probably one of the most important life skills, and one I still have to practice sometimes. But I’ve come such a long way. I used to say yes to everything. Every activity, every invitation, every favor. I honestly was afraid that if I said no, I wouldn’t have any friends.

I remember this feeling as far back as high school. We were at a friend’s house on a weekend, making plans for the evening. One girl was having a hard time deciding whether or not she wanted to go. Her mom said to her, “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” I remember being shocked at this advice.

Even as an adult, I used to have angry feelings toward my family and friends when they would ask me to do things I felt were infringing on my time. Until I realized that I was the only one to blame for not saying no when I didn’t have time, space, or a desire to do what they were asking.

Oh, how times have changed. I am now a protector. I am a protector of my time and my space.

I first came across the idea of giving a loving no from Jenny McCarthy’s book, Love, Lust and Faking It. This is a great book, but comes with a warning: It is an adult book that has things in it that probably only people in Las Vegas and Hollywood find normal.

The basic idea of a loving no is we don’t have to be mean or rude to say no. We can give a loving no.

Some of my favorite loving no lines are:

That’s not going to work for me right now.

I’m sorry, that makes me uncomfortable.

Let me check my calendar. (I love this one)

Some other fabulous lines I’ve picked up along the way are:

Let me get back to you on that.

I wish I could help. But I’m running flat-out with my various commitments. I hope you’ll understand. From Atul Gawande in Smarter Faster Better by Charles Duhigg

You’ll notice that not all of the above are actually saying no. But they give the option for space, thought and a slow yes instead of a knee-jerk yes, which used to be my default.

Now for a few eamples of giving a loving no:

I was recently asked to volunteer on an event committee at my church and we had asked a massage therapist in our group to teach us some techniques. The woman I reported to asked me to explain to the presenter that we felt she wore to sexy of clothing and to tell her to wear a more modest shirt when she presented. I didn’t agree and didn’t think I had the right to tell another adult how to dress, so I politely told my committee chair that I was not comfortable relaying that message.

My best friend invited me and my hubby to dinner with her and her hubby on a Friday night. We decided not to go. It was a longer drive than we wanted to make, and more money than we wanted to spend at the time. The next time we saw that friend, she told me that she had asked her husband, “Do you think they will come?” and he had said, “No, because we’re not going out for Mexican.” This is funny for two reasons. If we’re going out to eat, I want Mexican pretty much all the time. And I live in Seattle, and the Mexican food here isn’t great. But more importantly, I had learned to say no, even to my best friend.

The thing is, sometimes it’s hard to say no, especially to people in our lives who are used to us saying yes to them. It could cause fights, it has for me. But with practice you can learn to say no. It is always worth it to find your voice and learn to say no. If I can do it, you can do it.

More help for learning to say no:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTy-Fy3M00k