“The special, supportive role that grandmother’s play may be one of the reasons that evolution engineered women to live for decades after they can no longer bear children”.
A friend of mine and his wife have decided not to have kids. He feels we as humans are driven biologically to have kids to further the species, and he doesn’t want that drive to decide for him whether or not to have kids. But actually, according to Dr. Louann Brizendine, 85% of what we do, it turns out, is biologically driven, including romance, pairing off, and caring for our kids.
Brizendine writes, “For men and women, the initial calculations about romance are unconscious, and they’re very different. In short-term couplings for example, men are Chasers and women are choosers. That’s not sex stereotyping. It’s our inheritance from ancestors who learned, over millions of years, how to propagate their genes. As Darwin noted, males of all species are made for a wooing females, and females typically choose among their suitors. This is the brain architecture of love, engineered by the reproductive winners in evolution. Even the shapes, faces, smells, and ages of the mates we choose are influenced by pattern set millennia ago”.
Brizendine’s book takes us through what’s happening in the female brain during all the stages of life, from infancy to old age, and details some of the differences between the female and male brains. Baby girl’s brains are bathed in estrogen in utero, and baby boys brains are bathed in testosterone. These hormone baths literally change the structure and function of the brain. And these hormonal differences drive our actions throughout our lives.
Brizendine talks about our ancient brains and how our brain function has evolved over human history. She discusses why women go to the bathroom together, mystery solved! Not that women ever wondered why. It’s because women are/were safer traveling in groups in hunter/gatherer societies than they are traveling alone while the men are out hunting. Women could also band together and fight an angry man if they needed to. There is power in numbers.
As a woman, if your girlfriend ever says to you, “Let’s go to the bathroom.” The instant answer is, “Ok.” Another woman doesn’t even question, she just goes with her friend.
This book reinforces that biologically, women really are the nurturers of our human society. The skin to skin contact of a mom with her baby floods her brain with bonding chemicals. Moms, you know when your babies are running around in the park and you constantly track them. That is a brain function. Touching our kids every day reinforces our brain’s desire to care for our kids.
Brizendine said that in hunter/gatherer societies, if a dad is present, a child has a greater chance of survival. I think in our modern grocery store society, if a dad is present, a child has a greater chance of success (Shout out to all the single parents, you so totally rock!). But she said that if a grandmother is present in hunter/gatherer societies, a child has an even greater chance of survival than if a dad is present. Word.
What does this mean for single parents? Rely on your trusted family and friends, build a tribe to help you raise your babies. We should all be doing this anyway. We’ve cultivated indepence to an extreme in America, and we need to reconnect. Older generations add significant value by helping out the younger generations.
Brizendine covers this and so many more fascinating topics.
Celebrate who you are and what you uniquely have to offer this world. And remember, we’re all in this together.
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